Only a few days shy of being five
weeks, I sat in the cold exam room at the doctors office completely
unprepared for what my doctor would be telling me shortly. When my
doctor finally came into the room, he pulled his chair up and sat
down only a few feet in front of me. After a short silence, he began
by saying “Meagan, I know this is the last thing you are going to
want to hear...” and then we were back to an awkward silence. It
was right then, during his long pause, which my heart rose to my
throat. I was terrified to hear what he has to say. I could barely
breathe as he proceeded to tell me that my pregnancy test had come
out positive.
I broke down.
I had a million thoughts running
through me alongside a thousand different emotions. I first thought
of my two year old son, and how this wasn't fair to him. I already
felt I wasn’t there for him enough the way it was between school
and work. I couldn’t provide everything I wanted for him. How on
Earth was I going to do it for TWO little ones?!
After leaving the doctor’s office, I
went to my best friend’s house. We sat on her couch curled up
together crying. She has a son as well and understands the challenges
of raising a child especially when you don’t even have your own
life figured out. She also knew the amount of love a mother has for
her children, and knew that no matter what I chose to do it wasn’t
going to be easy.
That night, I laid awake wondering and
thinking about how I was going to break the news, not only to my
family, but also to the one who fathered this baby. I knew I just had
to do it. I knew I couldn’t just assume how he’d react. For the
sake of this child, I needed to tell him.
After struggling to tell him I was
pregnant, his response was abortion. This was never an option for me
because this wasn't about him or I, but about this unborn child.
For
the next several weeks I struggled with what to do. I love
children and I loved the idea of giving my son a sibling to grow up
with. I thought he wouldn’t have siblings until he was older and I
was married. I missed having a newborn. Being a mother already, I
knew the unspeakable amounts of love a mother has for her child even
before she sees or holds him. Could I even go through with an
adoption? I was beyond confused and for the longest time I told
myself I was keeping him. I couldn’t handle the idea of not having
my baby, of just giving him up and not being there for him. Even
though I was telling myself I made my decision, I couldn’t stop
thinking about my other option. I knew what I wanted but deep down I
knew I couldn’t make that happen. Making sure this child had the
life he deserves meant more to me than being able to be the one to
comfort him and to have him call me mom. I still wasn’t sure
whether or not I could go through with it, but I started looking into
adoption.
I knew nothing about this process or
what to expect. With so many adoption agencies and so many legal
aspects that I became overwhelmed. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted
to do this so the last thing I wanted to do was to get some agency or
legal firm involved. Once again I told myself I’m going to be the
one to raise MY baby. I tried telling myself I could do it. I’ve
made it this far on my own raising one child; I can do it with two.
That’s when I had to correct myself. I hadn’t been doing it on my
own. I’d be discrediting my family if I said I was. I then started
procrastinating with making this important decision. I didn’t want
to rush it and make an enormous mistake. I didn’t want to make a
decision I would regret.
One day I found myself on the couch
watching Teen Mom. The episode was a Doctor Drew session with the
Teen Mom star that chose adoption for her little girl Carly. I had
been watching trying to imagine myself in her shoes. That’s when my
mom came down and sat in the chair next to me. For the first
time, she was actually watching the show and seeing that it wasn’t
bad. I decided to use this time to break the news to my mom. Doctor
Drew had just finished telling the audience to stay tuned to hear
more about Catelynn’s story. When the first commercial came on, I
stated “I’ve been looking into that.” I didn’t take my eyes
off the television. I knew my mom was looking at me but I couldn’t
look at her. She was so unsuspecting she didn’t have a clue what I
was talking about. She asked “You’ve been looking into what?” I
remained looking forward as I responded “adoption.” I could still
feel her looking at me but neither one of us said anything more. I
sat down there a few minutes longer before looking at mom and then
running off to my room to cry. She didn’t follow. I composed myself
and we went on with the night as normal, making dinner, cleaning up,
and playing until it was time to get someone ready for bed. It was
after my son was asleep when we found ourselves on the couch in the
living room together. It was that awkward silence when you both know
nothing is alright but you act like everything is alright. My mom
finally broke it by asking “how far along are you?” I responded
matter-of-factly and didn’t say a word more. She could see how much
I was hurting and how scared I was. She knew I didn’t want to talk
about it, that I just wanted to know she was there.
It was a few days later when she
brought it up again when we were alone in the kitchen. She asked if I
had been in contact with any agencies and what I was doing to check
into adoption. I told her that I had contacted a few but never gave
them any information. I told her that I was scared to get involved
with an agency because I didn’t know if I could go through with it.
She started crying and said “you know that would be the best option
for the baby.” Having someone tell me that that my baby is better
off without me killed me. Even though I was well aware of this fact,
hearing it cut like a knife.
I decided to talk with my ob doctor
about my option and he was so helpful. He didn't push a decision on
me, just provided me with the information I needed. He also mentioned
of knowing some couples that cannot conceive and are considering
adoption. He said he would check with them and if it were okay, he
would compose a list of potential adoptive parents I could chose to
get in touch with. I fell completely in love with this idea! I felt
in control. I didn’t feel there would be anyone forcing me to do
anything I wasn’t sure of.
I started looking into a few of the
families, but something just seemed to be missing. I started losing
hope and felt like I was running out of time to find a family for my
little one. I knew I wanted to get to know the people before I just
handed my beloved newborn over to them. I had to be completely secure
in my choice if I were actually going to follow through with it.
That’s when I was told of another
loving couple who was struggling to have a child of their own. They
have been trying for numerous years and they’ve tried every type of
fertility treatment possible; all without any luck. I was given three
phone numbers, his cell, her cell, and the home phone. Contacting a
new couple was terrifying. What where they like? What were their
views of you? About a week later, I picked that piece of paper up
and grabbed my phone. I was ready to go, call the home phone in hopes
to get the answering machine, and got an error instead.
My heart sinks.
I call the woman's cell phone expecting
to get her voicemail when she answered! I was caught off guard and
started freaking out. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t
prepared to actually talk to her just yet. I started choking on my
words when she took the pressure off of me. She started telling me
all about them, even going back to when and how they met. She told me
about her parents and her nieces and nephews, I mean absolutely
everything. I didn’t even know this woman but something felt right.
People always talk about finding the one you’re meant to marry, and
just knowing they’re the one. Well this was a similar moment for
me. I wanted to waste no time meeting up with them, which was
extremely weird because I hadn’t had any desire to meet up with any
of the other families I had talked to. She was feeling the same way.
She told me that she was going to go home that night and talk with
her husband to see when we could meet up.
We ended up meeting for supper a few
days later. I remember all the emotions running through me. I
remember hoping that they wouldn’t look down on me for being
pregnant when I couldn’t take on the responsibility of a child. I
had no idea how things were going to go.
Would I feel something special when I
saw them?
All my concerns melted away when I met
them though. They were it! They were perfect! You could see the love
they had for each other. They were religious, had good stable jobs,
and they both came from good families. They were accepting and
considerate of all my feelings along with my family’s feelings. I
knew that they knew pain and struggle and that they would make an
impeccable team in overcoming the challenges of parenthood. It was so
perfect; there was no doubt that it was God’s plan to have our two
families become one in raising this unborn child of mine.
The maternity session we were able to
do put all of my feelings into a photo. I knew in my heart that the
four of us were a family and now we have photos that captured that.
You can see the love and strength we all bring to the table. These
photos hold so many memories and I couldn't imagine not having them.
To this day, there isn’t a day that
goes by that I don’t think of that family of three. They truly are
a part of my family and I couldn’t imagine my life without them in
it. I couldn’t be more proud to have them be Mommy and Daddy to my
precious baby boy. They truly are a blessing.
Be sure to look back on Friday for the
final part of this story, Tiffany and Dustin will tell us about their
struggles with fertility and how blessed they are to have been able
to find Meagan and Judah.
